Transcendentalism
by Batbabe1
Summary: She knows that her heart has died...because he took it with her when he left.  Now there's a stranger left in front of her and she can't help but wonder why.  During POTW.  9/Rose...slight 10/Rose


AN: So, first Doctor Who fic ever. I'm not much of a writer, more of a reader, but this idea got stuck in my head and wouldn't go away. I was very much inspired while reading _Black Water_ by Joyce Carol Oates, as it's set up non-linearly.

And yes, this is primarily 9/Rose…9 is my first Doctor, and my favorite. I really don't think he gets enough love. Don't get me wrong, I love 10 too…I just didn't like him with Rose as much. I guess you just never get over your first Doctor.

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Transcendentalism

By: Batbabe

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And so, it seemed that she would die right along with him.

This new man standing in front of her, the one with the floppy brown hair and the perfect teeth, was a stranger. He claimed to be the Doctor, but Rose knew in what was left of her heart that her Doctor was gone. She could not help the look of loss that crept into her eyes as she looked at this new man. For a brief second, she felt guilty at the look of pain that crossed his face when she asked if he could change back, but the feeling quickly left her, replaced by the massive loss. She would never see her Doctor again.

Her Doctor was gone…and he took her heart with him…

* * *

The song filled her head and she felt more peaceful than she had in her entire life, perhaps this death would not be so bad after all. She felt warm all over, almost like she was wrapped in some of her mum's fuzzy blankets back home. But she was alone in this place of light. There was something that she was forgetting, something on the edge of her mind tickling her memory. There was somewhere she needed to be, something she needed to do…someone she needed to find. The warmth continued to fill her and she found that she couldn't bring herself to continue thinking about the missing piece. She couldn't think about anything. The song gradually became louder, reaching a crescendo that vaguely reminded Rose of the old hymns that they used to play at church when she was growing up.

And then he was there with her. She could not see him or even hear him, but she could feel his presence. It was the feeling of warmth and comfort that usually washed over her whenever he was near, whenever he would take her hand in his and turn that manic grin on her. She might have been imagining the familiar scent of leather and time that seemed to surround her and reassure her.

Her hand…he was holding her hands…she couldn't see him, couldn't see anything but the golden light around her, but she knew it was true. She could feel it and it made her smile from the inside out. With the one touch, he calmed her, made her feel at peace. She knew that no matter what happened to her, whether she ever left this warm place or not, her heart would always belong to this man, this lord of time. A part of her would continue to live on in him, as long as he remembered her. It filled her with more joy than she thought she was capable of.

Then his lips were on hers, though she still couldn't see him, and the world fell away….

* * *

Her head was beginning to hurt.

The being that was once Rose Tyler looked down at the man at her feet, the man that she was willing to give up everything for. Her heart ached, seeing the pain on his face, the guilt. He felt responsible for Rose's transformation, he thought that she was going to die. This new Rose nearly laughed, it was just like her Doctor to assume responsibility for the choices of others, to assume the guilt of the universe.

Though in this instance, he was right about her fate. As she told him, she could see the whole of time…what was, what is, what would be…and she could see her own death, torn apart by the vortex raging within her. He could not change her fate. But what he did not know and could not understand was that she was not afraid. She chose this fate, set it in motion, the moment that she took his hand in the shop and ran. From that first instant, she was destined to come here, to sacrifice herself for the man that she loved.

Her one regret was that she had not realized her love for him sooner, that they had not had the chance to be together before her end came.

She could destroy an entire fleet and feel no guilt, because she would do anything to save him. She could return the life stolen from a dear friend, so that her love would not have to walk alone. She could do anything but remain with him.

_I could save the world, but lose you…_

He was telling her to stop.

The pain grew within her head and she knew that her time was almost up.

She wished she could make him understand…the sun, the moon…she felt like she could reach out and touch them…but all she wanted in this, her final moments was to touch the golden warmth of his hearts, to fill them with her love…

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It couldn't end like this, she couldn't be stopped by a stupid panel. The TARDIS could not deny her this chance to save the Doctor. Rose knew how deep a connection the Doctor shared with his ship, the TARDIS couldn't possibly want to go along with this Programme One, she couldn't possibly want to leave her master to die, especially knowing that the act would lead to her own death on the side of some road in London.

Rose had begged the TARDIS, yelled at her, cried, and hit the controls to try and convince the ship to take her back, all for nothing. If it weren't for the graffiti in the park, she wouldn't be standing here right now, hoping that the emergency vehicle would be strong enough to pull the panel off of the console. Rose held onto the signs, the words that she knew could lead her back to the Doctor in time to save him. She spent a brief second mentally thanking Mickey and her Mum for believing in her, for giving her this chance, before turning her attention again to the TARDIS, offering her encouragement.

The metal groaned and Rose knew they were close…just a little more!

'Doctor, please hold on,' she thought. 'Please wait for me. I won't ever leave your side again.'

The groaning grew louder, before the panel was finally freed and clattered to the deck. Relief filled Rose before she turned to look at the golden light streaming from the TARDIS. This was the ship's heart, its soul, and Rose couldn't look away. The light reached out toward her, called her. So she looked, because Rose couldn't deny the TARDIS anything.

They would save their Doctor together.

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They didn't understand.

Mickey and her mum agreed with the Doctor's decision to bring her home. What they didn't understand, and likely couldn't accept, was that the estate wasn't her home anymore. Rose had found her true home, the place where she knew she truly belonged.

She would do everything in her power to return to the Doctor's side. She'd stay with him forever.

Rose continued to run from the chip shop, away from the disapproval of her mother and Mickey. She wasn't the Rose that they knew before, she was a better person because she had been with the Doctor. She couldn't just give up on him, just as he would never give up on her. She couldn't imagine her life without him anymore, didn't want to. She could never go back to a life of simply existing day to day, working and eating chips and gossiping with Mum.

Her breath started to leave her once she reached the park. It was the middle of the day, so the park was nearly deserted. Rose was glad for that. She didn't feel like being stared at by strangers as she cried for a man that would die in a couple thousand years. A man who had saved them all countless times and never asked for anything in return.

No, that wasn't quite right…he had asked for something…he had asked Rose to come with him.

And she had, almost without hesitation. She had certainly never looked back. Her hand felt so cold without his there to keep it warm.

She sat on a bench in front of the basketball court, hearing Mickey yelling her name. Rose had hoped she would be left alone a bit longer before he caught up to her. Mickey would never understand.

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_This is Emergency Programme One…_

This couldn't be happening…

_If this message is activated, it can only mean one thing…_

He couldn't just leave her like this…

_We must be in serious danger, and I mean fatal…_

They never ran from danger before…why now?

_I'm dead, or about to die any second with no chance of escape…_

No…he couldn't die…he couldn't go off and die..

_And that's ok, hope it's a good death…_

He couldn't die…not without her….

_The TARDIS is taking you home…_

"I won't let ya!"

_But hold on and just listen a bit. The TARDIS can never return for me…_

Yes it could…she would make it…she had to get back to him.

_Here's what you should do: Let the TARDIS die…_

No! Rose could never let that happen, anymore than she could abandon him.

_Over the years, the world will move on and the box will be buried…_

But Rose wouldn't move on…

_And if you wanna remember me, you can do one thing…_

She'd do anything for him…she'd die to protect him…

_Have a good life…do that for me Rose…have a fantastic life…_

How could she, if he wasn't there with her?

* * *

The light was too bright, Rose struggled to keep her eyes open. She didn't understand any of this. He had tried to explain to her, he was changing, but then he doubled over in pain. Then he had grinned again, called her fantastic, and then exploded in light. Rose fought against the urge to close her eyes, not wanting to look away from him, but couldn't fight it for the brief seconds it shone from the Doctor's body.

When she opened her eyes again, a stranger was standing in his place.

And he was wearing the Doctor's clothes.

Her brow furrowed and she could feel the tears prickle at her eyes as this stranger muttered confusedly about his teeth then seemed to gather himself.

"Oh that's right…Barcelona!"

He smiled and looked at her then, with deep brown eyes…Rose so wanted to see the Doctor's soulful blue eyes again. This man, this stranger, seemed so happy…without a care in the world. Rose could hardly think as he kept rambling about his various body parts. Then he asked her what he looked like and all she could think was that he didn't look like the Doctor.

"Where is he? What have you done with him?"

This brunette man (Rose briefly thought that the Doctor would disdainfully call him a pretty boy) looked confused and unprepared for her questions. Apparently he had expected her to accept this "change" without question, without feeling anything, any loss.

She hated him slightly for that. And she knew, deep in her heart that she could never hate the true Doctor. This man couldn't be her Doctor. He never would be.

She cried for him to be sent back to her, though this new man tried to reassure her that he was the same person. Rose didn't believe him, as she looked into those innocent brown eyes. Eyes that had never felt despair or anguish or…love. Her Doctor's eyes were a stunning blue filled with pain and compassion. This new man might have the Doctor's memories…but he didn't have his soul.

When he took her hand, it felt wrong. It didn't fit as perfectly as it did before.

The knowledge that she had failed to save the Doctor hurt Rose more than she could have imagined. He was dead and her heart had died with him.

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Please review! Thanks for reading!


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